When you sometimes see sad, or depressed, posts from me you may notice the majority are in January; this is why.
Today is the end of the worst month of the year for me. Combined with the settling in of joy stealing single digit temperatures and snow fall and a dead frozen earth –
- It has been16 years today since dad passed.
- Earlier in the month was 15 years since mom passed.
- Jan 2 is Dad’s birthday
- Jan 3 is Mom’s birthday
- Jan 4 is their wedding anniversary.
I miss them both; so very much. My mom and dad were great people and wonderful parents. They believed in me and sacrificed so much.
I am down because I wasted their sacrifices. My life, for all the good that had been, is now, by every possible measure, a failure. I’m sorry Dad. I know you would still love me, but I know you would be disappointed – I am not as strong as you. I lacked, and still lack, courage.
Am I down about that?
Am I sensitive, perhaps too sensitive?
Yes. And if I am, I am! That is me, and I am not changing. Because, despite my lack of success as such, it is what makes me a writer. I will not give up that connection to my deep emotions – EVER!
Does that mean I am quitting or thinking of doing something stupid?
I DIDN’T BUST MY ASS TO RECAPTURE MY HEALTH, TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE, SIMPLY TO GIVE UP ON MY OWN LIFE!
For those who may not have read the entire excerpt from “More Failure Than Success,” I will close with the final stanza.
“Yet, each morning I rise, somehow thankful for the first waking breath.
I continue to strive, headlong and headstrong.
I endure onward, driven by the optimism of a new day.
Whether the result is success or failure, triumph lies with the effort.”